A Little Blog
It’s 6:35pm and I’m repeating “it’s not bedtime, it’s not bedtime” to myself because, well, it’s not bedtime. It’s 6:35pm. It would be so easy to change into my pajamas and start my wind-down routine. I wouldn’t necessarily complain about three hours of reading, either. But I don’t like this idea that my day has ended at 6:35pm.
Repeating things to myself (in my head, of course) seems to be the only thing that works for me. You can label it with some therapy-talk (re-parenting, mindful self compassion, thought reframing, mantras, you get it) but isn’t it just… talking to yourself? This is 0% sarcastic. I believe talking to yourself to be incredibly healing and helpful. I wish it wasn’t, in a way. I wish I had a more glamorous solution (that actually worked). I wish I didn’t need to talk myself down from shame spirals and negative self talk and all that, but I do, and I guess I always will.
I talk to myself about a lot of things. The other day, at work in my brand new job, I made a booboo. It took all day but I was able to stop freaking out internally by repeating “it’s not your fault, it’s okay, it’s not a big deal.” I hype myself up to drive somewhere, especially at night, because my brain thinks driving is way harder than it actually is? So I remind that big dummy that I’m the boss and driving 10 minutes to go bowl is really not that hard, yo.
It helps a lot. I’ve just been here, talking to myself like I would a friend, and I like it.
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I haven’t written a blog in awhile. It’s like I cut my hair and my inspiration was shed along with it. Just kidding.
Or… maybe not.
I cut my hair, hated it, (still hate it), but also kind of like that I did something crazy/dumb/different. (My therapist would say cutting my hair isn’t crazy or dumb and then ask why I said such a thing. I like my therapist a lot.) I journaled about it extensively and honestly, still write a few lines about my hair every now and then, but for the most part, I’ve moved on. It’s hair and it will grow. I will look back at this period in my life and laugh (probably).
A lot of my blogs, to me, were about processing things and really kind of self-help-y in the very literal sense: me helping myself. Examining what I think is wrong with myself and pointing to how I wish I was different.
The hair cut is probably just coincidental timing, but I just don’t want to do “self-help” anymore. I don’t want to brainstorm 75 ways to become a totally different person by this time next year. I don’t want to improve my mile time by 30 seconds for no reason. I definitely don’t want to gripe and complain about something as transitory as a short haircut. I don’t want to waste any more brainpower thinking about myself so goddamn much!
I’ve spent the last few weeks just doing things. I don’t really know how else to describe it besides a sudden halt in trying to improve myself. Which is different from trying to improve my life, I think. Y’all have read about my self-judgement around having mostly indoor, stationary hobbies. Well, that’s what I like, so I do that. I focus on my hobbies, aka improve my life, but I’m less concerned with optimizing how I spend my time or getting better at sudoku or whatever.
I still scroll Reddit sometimes and I dislike that, but in general, I feel pretty good. I enjoy how I spend my days. Even workdays. I go with what feels right and don’t beat myself up about anything.
Even so, I struggle with the concept that this is my life. Like, is my life going to be a series of evenings spent on puzzles and audiobook walks? Is that enough for me? Is it okay if it is enough? Am I doing enough? Will all this make me happy? Am I happy?
I think the answer to the last question is yes.
Anyway. That’s where I’ve been. It’s where I’ll hopefully be for a while. I still enjoy writing, although lately it’s been in the form of super-long journal entries and a new ✨book log, but I know things come in waves, so I expect to be back in the blogosphere at some time. I like the idea of writing another novel, but I think I like the idea of it more than anything else. Maybe in my next season!
I miss the connection with my friends that read my Substack and message me about it or just follow it in general. It really really means a lot to me! If you read my blog, please know I LOVE to talk on the phone (and will begrudgingly do video chats too). I’ll even do the scheduling if you just let me know you wanna talk.
Thanks for reading!
XOXO Ashley
❤️❤️❤️